I Only Write About Jared

I dread people asking me what kind of music I like. It’s an impossible question. I usually default to listing off some of the bands I’ve seen live. That means something, right?

Veil of Maya, Tech N9ne, Trace Adkins, Train…you know, that kind of music.

So, I asked Jared how he would describe the music I like.

Step 1: Find one-hit wonder.

Step 2: Don’t like that one hit.

Step 3: Like everything else by that one-hit wonder.

Versatile Blogger Award

I am lucky enough (and gracious) to have recently been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award:

Visual—linked and everything. Educate yourselves.

As a part of being nominated, I was asked (required?) to list blogs that I’ve discovered/enjoy, and reveal 7 things about myself.

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My 10 Blog Nominations.

Let me start by saying when I follow a blog, I’m not looking for deep thoughts or revolutionary writing. The following all have one thing in common: they make me laugh, and I appreciate it.

1. …Properly Ridiculous…The incredible blogger I get to thank for nominating me for this award (this is me thanking you)! If I actually got along with women in real life, she would be the one. I know this because not only does she appreciate my outlook on life, but when I read through her list of nominated blogs, I was already following over half of them.
2. Smacksy is the reason I started blogging. Her posts are short, sweet, and never fail to evoke that awkward laugh-but-don’t-laugh-because-you’re-at-work-and-nothing-is-funny-about-work out of me. Don’t start reading her posts unless you’re prepared to dedicate hours to the archives that is her son growing up.
3. She’s A Maineiac. What can I say. I’m a sucker for moms with blogs.
4. My Life & Kids. No seriously. Moms with blogs. Maybe it’s because I’m not a mother, so I don’t relate to the troubles. I just get to laugh and go on with my irresponsible life.
5. Olive the People is real and not afraid to let it show. Her writing style is clever and unique. Her craigslist commentary alone is enough to get you addicted, but don’t stop there.
6. Sass & Balderdash. Sarcastic. Funny. Honest. I feel like I’m describing my dream man. What more do you want?
7. The Ugly Volvo. I actually thought the writer/illustrator behind this blog was a male for the longest time. No idea why. I was wrong, and it’s irrelevant. Enjoy!
8. Mishaps & Musings. So I found her blog by searching why Nate Archibald from Gossip Girl had a weird lip, got butt-hurt that she ruined the ending for me, and admitted that she would steal my one follower with her witty writing.
9. Cappy Writes. I’m pretty sure I found her through #8. Neither of them post often. Sometimes serious, sometimes funny, but always worth the read.
10. Becky Says Things illustrates her posts in stick figure drawings…probably made is MS Paint. As a graphic designer, there is nothing I appreciate more or less <–inception appreciation, guys.

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7 Things About Me.

1.  I have an irrational fear of my headphones coming unplugged at work. I take the buds out of my ears at least every five minutes to make sure my coworkers aren’t being subjected to Ocean Breathes Salty on repeat.
2. When my family first got internet, I made my sister, Linda, an email account for her birthday.
3. I am embarrassingly geographically challenged. One time I got caught thinking Poland was in Germany. I just Googled it again to make sure it wasn’t. It’s a problem.
4. My favorite color has been silver for as long as I can remember. Pair it with any shade of pink, and you may as well just take my money.
5. I wanted to be a vet until I realized it’s not all happiness, rainbows, and furry cuddles. Now I’m a graphic designer. #noballs #deskjob
6. I have 56 first cousins.
7. Like most humans, lists of seven make me uncomfortable. And three, and eight…and anything that’s not divisible by five. Let’s just agree to make everyone more comfortable from now on by making them lists of five or ten.

So Much Shame

Here is where the shame begins. I watch Gossip Girl. Worse is that I even missed the bandwagon…I’m like eight cars and a parade behind it. My little sister got excited when she found out I watch it. I’ve joined the ranks of my LITTLE-neat freak-bipolar-high school-SISTER (no offense, Julie…you’re also cool and funny and please don’t come kill me in my sleep).

I decided to search why Nate Archibald (Chace Crawford…whatever) in Gossip Girl has a weird fat lip that I haven’t been able to stop staring at for the past nine episodes. So when I found the answer to the fat lip mystery, along with it came a witty blog that (insert more shame) is written by someone younger and more interesting than me. I would link to it but I would probably lose the one follower I have to her.

Except this blogger did the unthinkable. She told me who Gossip Girl is. She didn’t even preface it with huge blinking red and yellow warning letters in all caps that read SPOILER ALERT.

I don’t know whether more shame comes with admitting I am disappointed in knowing the ending of freaking Gossip Girl or the fact that I didn’t see that end coming (notice how I didn’t give the ending away like a NICE PERSON). Either way, I’m going to go wallow in all the aforementioned shame…in bed…with my laptop…and the remaining season of Gossip Girl…and Nate Archibald’s weird lip.

Oh, which by the way, is weird because he fell on New Years Eve, and had to get stitches. I’m going to pretend his plastic surgery went bad anyway. 

Recap

Here is my recap on posting NFL Logos: Re-imagined ‘Metal’ Style.

1. Talk about sports and sites like Bleacher Report and Uproxx will find you.

2. Your previous page visits will go from fun looking to old posts being virtually obsolete.

Turns out 20 visits has nothing on 20,000.

3. Your city demographics will go from towns near you to a list of cities you hope to visit someday.

4. You will have random strangers calling you a “Hater” and saying things like “Fuck u!!!” and “What a load of stinking steaming shit.” (Thanks, John Ohlson, David Pita and Joe Gordon)

5. But you will also make it to strangers profile pictures

6. And my personal favorite: “Fishnet Dolphin is both brilliant and terrifying.” Yes.

TFJ The Second

Remember that one time I posted something and said TextsFromJared #1? I hope so, because I’m pretty sure it was two-ish posts ago. Work that long-term memory. Well, it was implying there would be more TFJ to come. I knew this because ever since I met Jared we have been having ridiculous conversations via (vee-uh) text.

The morning after our first date (in which I walked approx. three miles home because he got too drunk to drive me back) he texted me to inform me that it’s a good thing I opted to go home, because I may not have survived the amount of methane gas in his room. He’s a keeper, right?

TextsFromJared #2: I popped the biggest ass zit in history.

Definitely a keeper. Also, first I read this text as ‘pooped’ because it’s Jared, and that is a regular topic of conversation. If I had to endure that mental image so do you.

The High Life


I’ll just come straight out with it. I live vicariously through this other blog about a mother and her Starwars obsessed son, Bob, and it seriously cracks me up. I don’t mean like most things where it’s funny and I might smile out loud. I mean I have to actually control myself from laughing at my computer screen. Jared—man-in-the-footie-pajamas, J-Rod, honey bunches of oats, homeskillet—would be glad to tell you that this is quite the feat. He seems to believe I have no sense of humor. However, I have him and a massive family that more than make up for it. So between that and my love for the previously mentioned blog comes my drive to archive these ridiculous things for when I am old or senile, whichever strikes first.

What better way to start than with crazy straws, footie pajamas and High Life.



Jared in all his stunning  footie-pajama-wearing glory.